JUST..... I catch myself belittling my position in life frequently with just.
What do you do? I'm just a painter. It hides in plain sight, unobvious, unobnoxious.
I'm NOT just a painter. I am an alchemist. An student of chaos.
From a less philosophical standpoint, I am a creater, an artist, from that I also became a curater, a grass roots gallery committee member, creator supporter and as of late, a cultural leader student.
Even within my creations I don't just paint, but still 'just a painter.'
The nuance of just, screams of my long history of low self esteem and fear of being perceived as arrogant. In its fullest 'just a painter' the imposter posing as an artist, needs humbling.
Why do we that? I have noticed the more time I spend around other artists, that alot of us are uncomfortable with being labelled with that particular word- artist, but thats what we are, by definition & by heart.
My beginings along this path came from a soul need, survival, a thirst for connection with.... something, anything, as it turns out, myself, although unrealized in that moment, if thats not and artist I'm not convinced I know what an artist is, however generally speaking no matter how true I know that in words and mind, connecting me with that, feels wrong, like somehow it's above me.
I'm still trying to teach myself to be comfortable with being uncomfortable because I deserve to not feel like everything is above me, I deserve not to feel less than, a version of me that previously existed couldn't even get there (until she did.) Getting comfortable requires a certain amount practice, I'm fairly well practiced with the art of practice in a multitude of areas in life, this one consistently becomes an active avoidence though, 'just a painter' reverberates, often pointed out by others- homes in on how much I lack the mindfulness in this area and then I have to practice grace and acceptance that I'm just not there yet and maybe I never will be, I'm not sure I'm even that committed to wanting to be. Maybe that is the artists truest oxymoron. The lived experience versus self perception.
I'm not sure why this particular train of thought has caught me, maybe its the day highlighting my percieved weaknesses, I'm not sure sharing it has purpose and I'm not sure it has too.
If you have any thoughts or feelings on this subject or feel its something you can relate to in any area of life, please feel free to share that with me, maybe the more we can open dialogue about such things, the more we can accept them as a shared and natural part of life. Anything to help us feel less alone in our experiences.
Calming the chaos,
Zoe Siobhan.
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