Reflections

There are so many things that I could touch on but we would be here forever, so many moments that bring to light how much I have overcome, adapted to and transformed.

As I write this I sit on a train to Folkstone, a little art town about as far south as England goes. Ok, so what the big deal? Well just the fact that a part of that sentence includes the words I sit on a train, for really long time, didn't have the abilty to do that, or most other forms of public transport if I'm honest.

I had practiced exposure therapy in a couple of areas of life with support but took what I had learnt and used that to adapt to other things one of which being public transport. 

There were points of my life I couldnt even leave my house, never mind get on a bus or train.

I used to live on a coucil estate in a lancaster, at the end of my road was a bus stop for a little local bus that would go back and forth from the city centre to the estate, it was a lovely walk up the River and only took about 10 minutes but it wasn't about getting to town, it was about getting over the fear and wanting the ability to go beyond that.

I started by sitting on my door step watching it go by until I didnt panic anymore, then going to the stop and doing the same until I finally braved getting on, at first i'd last one or two stops, get off and run home, ashamed and frustrated. Eventually I made it and that bus was no longer a problem so it was time to extend what I had overcome to other buses, trains and trams.

Admittedly, trains was something I still avoided for a good while, I hated everthing about it, the stations, the crowds of people, the noises, it was all too much, my journey of overcoming trains happened out of nessesity rather than my own efforts to do better.

I had a niece that was poorly from birth and a bond that was built within our mutually timed hospital admisions, my most powerful inspiration on how to fight for life before she could even speak.

She wasn't predicted a good outcome, which  meant stays at manchester childrens hospital, which for me ended up meaning emergency train trips to manchester, no matter what brain space I was in. I'd struggle and cry and panic and hide and get off at stops before I was supposed to, only to have to get on again once a bit calmer. All with the prospect of losing my niece at the back of my mind, honestly the worst journeys I've ever had to do and I'll probably never get on a train again without thinking of her, our Lana. 

Those being the worst experiences I could have, meant no train in the future was ever going to be as scary or stressful or panic inducing but for a while were triggering, trains now related to all of the memories that came with those journeys but eventually, I exposed myself again and again until the memories were just that, instead of triggeres which is no mean feat for a person with a diagnoses of CPTSD (amongst others) 

So here I am, sat on a train with 20 people I barely know about to travel to a place on the other end of the country.

I'm not sure we have enough space here to begin to cover all of difficulties that being with 20 nearly strangers, in a strange place is going to bring up and all of the history as to why but I know I'm here to try and do the same that I do with everything else, get the fuck over it......